Empathy is a valuable gift

The title of this blog post is not a claim made to toot my own horn, since I do happen to be an extremely empathetic person, but rather because I previously despised my own empathic nature. 

The Miriam Webster Dictionary difines empathy as such:

1:  the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

2:  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also :  the capacity for this

Empathy is both a blessing and a curse. 

It makes you acutely aware of the moods of others in a deep and quite peculiar way; it connects you keenly with those around you. It drains you emotionally when you exist for extended periods of time in atmospheres permeated with strong emotions such as sorrow, despair, heartache, and more. Hearing or reading the news is enough to make my tender heart ache for days after the fact.

Empathy is a helpful tool. One is example from my personal experience is how empathy affords me great insight into the human experience by understanding how and why others (re)act in particular ways in various situations. There are other factors which aid in this of course, such as my natural sense of curiosity, background in sociology, other personal strengths and gifts, add life experience, and sprinkle some maturity on there as well.

As time passes my empathy continues to grow with me. Sometimes my heart feels so full of emotion, so enlarged and distorted, it feels as though it might physically burst. I have sent up desperate demands to God, saying, "Really?! My heart cannot hold another ounce of empathy!" A year ago I was pleading with God to stop enlarging my empathetic heart to the pain and the sorrow and the suffering of others. I saw it as something that made me appear weak and childish.

I no longer view empathy in that way. In the Gospel of Matthew we read that Jesus, an exemplar of unabated strength, looked upon the crowds with compassion. Jesus! The very one I strive to emulate had a heart that broke in a similar way to mine.

My heart is unable to sustain the immense weight it carries. But God's heart can. I feel privileged to be an extension of God's heart, if only in a small-reaching and temporal way, as a laborer in the harvest of God, our world.

Appreciating the gift of empathy within me is one piece of the larger journey I am on to discover and appreciate who I am and what I offer, rather than covet the the personality, gifts, abilities, etc. I so readily identify in others. 

Where my hope lies

Life is so much like the ocean. There are cycles and waves.

In the past eight years of my life:
I have doubted my own self and my decisions.
My  faith in God and humanity has wavered.
My health has faltered.
My heart has been splintered.
I have been disappointed in relationships.
Loved ones have died.
My ambitions have been trampled.
Curve balls have been thrown.
I have been lonely.
I have felt lost.

Through it all God has been faithful and to this day remains faithful.
And my faith, though wavering and at times almost nonexistent, has sustained me.

Praise be to God, my Sustainer. My hope is in you.

A stunning view of the mountains and the sea in Delphi, Greece

Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful.  
And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. 
-Hebrews 10:19-25

Churning

I cannot believe that my last post was in January. I have so many thoughts churning in my mind, wrestlings within my heart and and half-formed blog posts in my head, but haven't been able to commit them to this blog space. I've been doing a lot of internal processing this semester. Perhaps some of that will make it onto here soon. I won't make any promises though!

Life is busy, life is good. There has been so much sunshine this winter that it has made the negative temperatures somewhat bearable. Spring is starting to show up, and for that I am glad! Oh, and I graduate in 27 days! I have so much that I am looking forward to in the near and also more distant future. Some of that is still shrouded in secrecy because I am a private person. I am friendly, warm, and generally open-to an extent that is. I willingly admit that my appearance of being a fairly open is a facade. I'll chip away at the concrete soon enough and let you in a layer deeper in time. Patience my dear friends! By the time I graduate you'll get to hear about what I'm doing after college.

I extend the grace, peace and love of Jesus Christ to you all during this season of Lent. Speaking of Lent, you can read a devotional I wrote for Goshen College here: Our Strong and Dependable Rock

Somewhere in the Andes Mountains en route from Huacarpay to Colca. The view is overlooking the stretch of road we just covered and at this position we're still climbing.

Goodbye 2013!

Happy New Year! It has been quite some time since my last post, so let's review some of 2013 shall we? I love lists, so I will make a list of highlights (starting with two broad themes, then in chronological order).

1. Best year of my life - I learned so much, all of which boil down these categories: humility, vulnerability, gratitude, and empathy.

The magnet reads: You're on the right road if you're happy when you're lost.

2. Worst year of my life - I made it out alive and am a better person and stronger for it.

3. March 23rd I got my forward helix pierced.

 4. May 19th I ran and completed the Chicago Half Marathon with the best running buddy a girl could ask for, Kristin Martin!  *2hr: 22min: 26sec*

5. June 2nd Eric graduated high school. I am extremely proud of this kid.

 6. June 29th my best friend of 19 years, Kayla Feltz, married the love of her life, Dean Puthoff.

7. June 30th I chopped off 15 inches of hair, give or take. I LOVE my new hair!

Before...

After!

8. July 1st I went gluten free.

 
9. September 29th Silas Joel Henriques came into the world! October 20th I met and cuddled and snuggled Silas.

10. God provided for me in miraculous ways.

 I am so looking forward to whatever 2014. In the past 25 years 10 months and 30 days, that is the entirety of my existence, I have learned that life is the ultimate crap-shoot. Relationships have proved to be the anchor in what started out to be a very rocky year, flooded with continual tears, doubts, fears, failures, ailments, and injuries. Midway things started looking up, leaving me optimistic that no matter whatever lies ahead of me it can be navigated with guidance from God and support from the wonderful community of friends and family around me. I will not say that I will never doubt God again, because I most likely will. And subsequently will be blown away yet again by God's unending love, patience, faithfulness, and remarkable way of coming through in the twelfth hour.

Ups and downs

This year has been one giant roller coaster of emotions for me. At the end of 2012 I had high hopes for all that 2013 would bring. I was confident that prosperity was on the other side of December 31st. My hopes were quickly squashed as I realized that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Duh. I have cried this year more than I have ever cried. Tears as a result of sadness, anger, depression, doubt, fear, unmet expectations, loneliness, hopelessness, and a few tears of joy as well.

Despite seemingly unending tears met with feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, destitution, and abandonment, that is not to say that 2013 has not been a good year.

The definition of "good" is dependent upon the perspective behind it all. I think for me it is perhaps too strong to say that everything happens for a reason. However I am comfortable saying with great confidence that God uses every experience in our lives to teach us if we are willing to learn.

To be certain, when I look back on the past twenty-five and a half years of my life, the hardships have been the things that have shaped me the most. The roughest stages of my life are the ones I look back on with fondness and gratitude. It is in those stages that I learn to cling to and rely on God. It is in those moments that I allow myself to be open in vulnerable ways with those around me that I am normally not comfortable doing. It is important to be able to take down our façades and allow what is real behind them to show. It isn't always pretty, but it is genuine.

These are the things I've experienced in brokenness that I am thankful for: They mark formative years, thickened skin, an ever-growing empathy, humility, dependence on God, strength, confidence, poise.

I give praise and thanks to God who is my constant support, ever present in time of need, and the epitome of patience. Here goes a big shout out to God: thanks for not giving up on me!!

I want to take this moment to say a big thank you to all my supporters in life!
You encourage and uplift me with your prayers, kind words and actions.

On receiving

It is better to give than to receive, they say.

It is better to know when to receive instead of give, I might add.

This summer has been a healing time for me. I am surrounded by a community of givers where I do not feel ashamed to be a receiver - and often. Currently I am in a position where I need to take a little more than I give. I generally find that giving is a way to receive, but at the moment I am so thankful to be surrounded by generous people that I am able to take. And take. And take some more.

Being needy is not something that I enjoy, but I think it is definitely a theme in this season I am in. Not just needy, but desperate. Raw. The kind of needy that you cannot hide; I fear that people can see through my facade, see the tears that are ready to be shed at any moment. I’m not really trying to hide the fact that I am needy, I just don’t want to make others uncomfortable.

I was just journaling the other day that I feel like a faker. I fear I am faking being happy. Perhaps happy isn’t the right word; I am happy. However deep down the core of me is discontent and restless.

My friends joke that I only have one expression, a huge smile. This is true. I do wear a smile more often than not. That smile is not faking, because even deeper than the discontent that is writhing within my core is a bedrock of faith. Because of my faith, I have hope, wrought through time and adversity.

I was just washing up the dishes at the close of the evening and reflecting on the fact that I genuinely enjoyed and was thoroughly present in the moment during an entire evening I just had. Dinner with friends. Discussing all the wonderful fruits that we’ve sampled from our times abroad. Silly YouTube videos. Laughter. Sharing. Receiving. Giving.

Lately I have had difficulty being present with others. This has been troubling since it is usually something that comes very naturally for me. I am invested in relationships and genuinely love to hear everything from others that range from the mundane to the highly significant. These days I cling to the moments when I forget that I am trying to override this utter feeling of dissatisfaction and don’t have to exert any effort to be absorbed in the moment. Hope.

I know that this feeling of discontent that comes with this stage, I have had similar ones in my life, and no doubt there will be more. The preparation stage. The worst kind of stage that results in the best possible outcome. God has been stripping me of everything that I put trust and security in and will stop when God alone remains.

Nature reflects the will for life to continue despite circumstances that may be. Nature is somewhere I find hope.

At this point I feel the weirdest sense of peace I have ever felt. Sometimes I think I have lost it. Lost my peace, lost my faith, but the truth is I was built to endure much adversity. For whatever reason some require a lot more refining by fire than others. I would like to think that all the adversity, all the tears, all the questioning, the doubts, the fists shaking in the air, add up to making things better for those who come after me.

It certainly has made me a tougher and a softer person at the same time. God is into paradoxes.

Spring and summer happenings

So it's the end of June and my last update was April 1st. Whoops!

This doesn't mean nothing worth mentioning has happened, au contraire!

1) With April came the end of the Spring semester, thanks be to God on high! Seriously.

2) May Term play term was a lot of fun but incredibly busy.

My typical day went something like this: wake, eat, Religion and Sexuality from 8-12, lunch, forum post for class, work from 3-5, intramural volley ball games from 6-7ish, dinner, then reading homework for all of eternity, thank you KGM. Throw in spontaneous Chief visits and card nights, too!

3) Chicago Half Marathon! May 19, 2013

This was so FUN! A shout out to the best ever running buddy, Kristin Martin! We ran the race together and finished under our goal time clocking in at 2hr:22min:26sec. A huge thank you to Kristin's aunt and uncle who allowed us to have full use of their awesome condo to crash the night before the race. This will forever be the weekend that the stars aligned perfectly.

One of the things I most love about running is how I am constantly blown away by the things that I am capable of. This has spilled into a larger metaphor in all facets of my life: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, as well as physically. I love pushing the limits of what I once thought was possible.

4) Working with the fun, quirky printing and mailing crew at GC.

I went strait from school to working full-time at my campus job I started back in January in the printing and mailing department. There is never a dull moment!

5) Summer spontaneity.

I love working a forty hour work week then doing whatever you want! So unlike school where the work is unending. I run, read, porch sit, and write letters in my free time. It's awesome. I am currently engrossed in Les Miserables. When I'm not doing one of those four things I'm hanging out with my girl Rosalynde or having potlucks with other GC students hanging around for the summer. This is a slice of the good life.

 That's the nutshell version to catch you all up on life happenings!

In the darkness shines a faint light, small but powerful

It is now April. It has been about six weeks since my last post, but not because I have had a lack of things to say. There are many drafts that I started and stopped. There have been more drafts than that started in my mind that I didn't allow to leave the confines of my mind.

My journal has been experienceing the same kind of neglect, so don't take it too personally.

Writing is therapeutic for me, a sort of catharsis if you will. Everything is ok as long as I'm writing, even if nothing is ok.

I haven't been writing.

And things have been far from ok.

Well folks, to put it mildly, so far this year has been exceptionally hard. I have battled through so much in these past three months to make it to today, the first of April. I started off this year so hopeful, so optimistic. The realist in me is kicking myself in the butt, whispering, "See, that's what happens when you dare to hope." Or was that the depression speaking? Probably both. Yes, most likely both.

Depression sucks. I have battled with it off and on throughout my life, most of the time silently, not even acknowledging it myself. I thought if I ignored it, maybe it would go away. Maybe people wouldn't notice. Mostly I felt guilty and ashamed. A little proud as well. Or a lot proud. I have a fierce independent streak in me. But depression alone is awful. Depression on top of a host of other crappy curve balls that life throws and keeps throwing (which I won't even attempt to delve into here; ain't nobody got time for that!) feels like it will absolutely consume you from the inside out.

But it is freeing to realize that we can't do it alone. That we don't have to and we weren't meant to.

I have cried so much this year.

I cry relatively easily. I have a really tender, sensitive heart, but I began to realize that crying on an average of every other day was NOT normal. This was not like me.

Late one night, through chatting with a friend on Skype, I admitted to myself that my depression had come back. Just removing the denial of that fact was enough to lift a weight. I didn't have to try to fake it any longer, but rather could face this beast for what it was, like I have had to before. But depression is a dirty bastard. People who have never experienced what depression is have no idea what it is like. It is not this thing that can simply be shaken off. It is like something that crawls deep into your mind and plants itself there. Rationality goes out the window. For someone who is logical, this is terrifying.

I usually fight off emotion with logic, but that is another topic altogether. I have a systematic way of disecting what I am feeling and why. I am able to compartmentalize my feelings. I have been accused by a dear male friend of mine of being "like a guy" in this way, because often my truest feelings never reach the surface. Those must be excavated.

With depression, logic is useless. I am left defenseless, mainly because I can't answer my first question on that checklist: why do I feel this way?

Long story short, I am winning this battle. I am not defenseless, but I am already victorious. The war isn't over, and more battles will likely crop up throughout the rest of my life, but I have conquered so many of these battles before. Not without God though, and the love and support of people like my father who know what a bastard depression is and how powerful the love of God is.

There are those who believe that God does not want us to suffer and that there is no place for suffering. I don't believe that God wishes us to suffer, but I am confident that God uses it. I can't help but believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this. In hindsight I am thankful for the pain, because it has made me realize my dependence on God, God's love, grace, provision, and my own ability to be a light when all that surrounds is darkness.

P.S. I want to give a shout out to Abby Hertzler, whose book inspired me to finally put these words to the page through her book The Pen and the Pieces of Myself.

On lent: one week in

I'm not Catholic, but I am a Christian; therefore I believe Lent is an important season. I also am in the camp that the practice of giving something up for *forty days can be a valuable practice.

This year, not only am I subtracting something from my life for forty days (salty snack foods), but I am also adding something (the core challenge).

I am finding that the practice of this addition can be just as much of a sacrifice and sanctifying as the subtracting, possibly even more so (Please pause to appreciate the alliteration in this  sentence!). Fasting is an important spiritual discipline, but coupling that with building intentional good habits has been especially rewarding for me spiritually, physically and mentally.

 *It actually adds up to more than forty since I continue even on Sundays when traditionally they are a day to take a break from your fast.

Double-minded

Balance is so fickle, isn't it? I feel that I am terrible at balance in  most areas of my life, and tend to behave like a pendulum swinging out of control. Except for my ability to keep my balance, as in center of gravity; I have pretty good stability, but I digress.

The point of this blog post is not to talk about my mad balancing skills.

Lately I have been mulling over an inner battle that has been raging for at least a year now. I am what the author of the book of James calls double-minded.

That's right, double-minded. Who admits to this stuff? I guess I do.

 I'm a hypocrite, my faith sometimes is extremely weak if not almost entirely non-existent at times.

 Why? Well, it's a long story, but here's the quick and dirty:

I'm a college student.
I am terrified of being in debt.
I am in debt to the federal government for an amount that makes my heart stop whenever think about or view it.
I have been praying to graduate from undergrad debt free.

It sounds crazy, I know, but I feel like God can handle it. But at the same time I doubt the possibility, because from my perspective it seems near nigh impossible. I have felt really convicted lately because I am praying, asking God to help me make this become a reality while simultaneously doubting that it is even a remote possibility. The result is an epic and terrible struggle internally. The reason I site it as an issue with balance is because I struggle with how much to depend on my own ability to be financially responsible and how much to trust that God will work it out if I ask.

I am asking for wisdom; am I in a position to receive it when I am likened to the windblown surf of the sea?

I don't have any resolution to this dilemma, but the purpose of this blog is to obtain a higher level of accountability myself but publishing my thoughts. Check.

I do know this: prayer, meditation on Scripture and sharing my struggles with others are all helping to strengthen my faith into something more resilient and genuine, even if when it travels over rocky terrain. Especially then.

The power of "we"

This post is a follow up to my post What i love about peru.

Collective Mentality

Something foreign and wonderful to me in Peru was the collective mentality, or the power of "we" as I have titled this post. Here in the United States of America we are a very individual driven society. Our language is individualistic, our goals are individualistic, our advertising is geared towards individualist. Similarly, it is ingrained in us that a person can do or become whatever she or he may put their mind to.

In Peru, things are different. Peru is all about community rather than the individual. I caught myself the other day talking like a Peruvian rather than an estadounidense. Last week I was telling someone about my current semester and instead of using the pronouns I, me and my, I caught myself saying we, us and our, referring to myself as well as my roommates and friends. In Peru it is a polite gesture to include those around you when you are talking about your plans, daily activities, accomplishments, etc. no matter their level of direct involvement. Inclusion is a big deal in Peruvian society and it is something that I walked away valuing on a higher level after three months of trying to fit myself into a context with different cultural mores and social norms.

This attitiude reminds me of the body of Christ and how we are supposed to function as the body in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. I'll hone in on the key phrases in verses 24b-27 that are the specific sections that came to mind while thinking about this communal way of thinking:

"But God has put the body together…so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

How we relate to one another and refer to our daily interactions with others differs across cultures.

Myself with my host family in Lima
Galedt, Glicerio, Leanna, Zully, Sara

Life lessons

I am very embarrassed and hesitant to share what I am about to right now.

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. A huge mistake a regret a lot for a variety of reasons. That however is a tangent and besides the point for the moment.

On January first of this year (five short days ago) I found and purchased a used car from an owner that I found listed on Craigslist.

The long story made short is that the seller was dishonest about the condition of the car (mainly the failing transmission). He was able to pass it off as acceptable by being extremely crafty. Don't be so quick to judge me, reader. I won't describe all the ways that he was able to pull the wool over my eyes. Looking back I can recognize the signs, but he was a very good swindler. Well played, sir.

I have been through all sorts of emotions today. I have been furious, felt sad, disappointed, wronged, stupid, childish, and had all sorts of evil thoughts ran through my mind that I am not at all proud of. I had my first cry of the year; then my second. I thought about calling him. I wanted to tell him what he did was wrong and then give him a piece of my mind. But I did not. Being logical as I am, I knew that it would accomplish nothing and would just get me more worked up. I don't want to be angry.

Tonight I realized there is only one thing to help the situation at this point. I realized that what I need to do is forgive him. The strange thing about this conclusion is that I feel like I not only need to forgive him but I also want to. I firmly believe that this is not of me but rather it is  nothing short of God.

So, I did. I forgave him.

And though I am still out the money, I am still out an operational car, I am still out some of my pride, I have inner peace. Tomorrow after church I plan on calling this man to tell him 1) he was dishonest with me, 2) what he did was wrong, 3) I forgive him and wish him well. I pan on concluding the conversation by telling him I don't expect any action on his end (since he swindled me in the first place) but I am just calling him to let him know that I am forgiving him for his wrong against me as Christ forgave me.

That's the long and the short of it. In life you live and learn I suppose.

 

Satisfacciones

I wrote this poem for my Spanish class while studying in Peru last semester. I came across it as I was going through my papers. Here is the list of my satisfactions that I came up with one week into my SST experience.

Satisfacciones
Un día lluvioso con cielos grises y hierba verde
Una cama muy cómoda y caliente
Los abrazos de mi mamá
Los flores de la primavera
La gata
Mis amigos
Correr
Viajar
La familia
Música clásica
El agua
El sol
Dios
Sonreír
Risa


Satisfactions
A rainy day with gray skies and green grass
A very comfortable and warm bed
My mother's hugs
Spring flowers
Cat
My friends
Running
Traveling
Family
Classical music
Water
Sunshine
God
Smiling
Laughter

Out with the old, in with the new

As the year winds down and the new year approaches, people start making resolutions of change. That is all well and good, but I have come to realize that the motives behind the desired change are just as important, if not more so, than the actual results.

I came to this realization as I was continually finding things about myself that I wanted to change. I found myself questioning God (in a highly unorthodox and irreverent manner might I add) why and naming off all the reasons why it would be better if he could simply "fix" all the things I see wrong. I felt a response from deep within saying, "If you accepted yourself like I accept you, then you wouldn't feel the need to change." Huh. Way to be profound and humble me in a split second, God.

So this year I am resolving to continue walking out my faith, working out my salvation, and trying to carry out one of the greatest commandments to its fullest, summed up this way:

1) Love God
2) Love others
3) Love self

What i love about peru

There are many things that I grew to appreciate about Peru after living there for three months. For now I'll share one:

Meals

After each meal, those at the table say thank you to those they have enjoyed the meal and company with. I think that's such a neat practice. I know for me in my home growing up everyone ate their meals and then were off to the next activity. Additionally, each person serves themselves here in the United States. In Peru, those who prepare the meal serve up each plate and place them in front of the individual. When you are finishing up, you are asked if you want seconds, and if so, those are served to you as well (but trust me, you're given enough the first time and never need to ask for more). No one is expected to make their own plate. Every meal is an offering to those eating, if you will. There is additional generosity behind the food, behind the massive quantities given (especially to guests); the sharing that takes place. Meals are enjoyed, company is enjoyed, and these important rituals, more often than not known to us as humdrum in the states, in Peru seldom take less than two hours.

Food is such an interesting gateway into culture. More than the actual sustenance, but the customs that go along with it all. 

Ceviche & chica morada. My host dad in Lima is a chef! His food was delicious.

It is more blessed to give than to receive

One of my favorite things to do is learn.

My favorite thing about knowledge is that it is so expansive so that even after you think you have learned something, you still can relearn it on a deeper level.

In Peru I learned many things. I learned about a different culture, climates, history, language, transportation system, foods. The greatest lesson I (re)learned is this one recorded in Acts 20:35 where Paul quotes Jesus saying:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Another way to say this is I learned humility.

The thing about learning lessons in humility is that often times the most poignant lessons in are the direct result of being humiliated.

This was the case for me as my pride was exposed and then stripped away.

This variety of pride happens to be the ugliest, for it is not the upfront, boasting, in-your-face pride, but rather is the deeply buried, quiet, inward selfishness that often goes unnoticed. Pride that is not intentional and cutting, but that is subtle and natural, coming out in sly disguises and sometimes even with good intentions laced throughout it.

I am still internally processing the various lessons I encountered in all forms in the past three months. I may elaborate on them once I feel that I have the language to connect with these lessons that have been burned in my heart.

How to survive in peru

Here are ten tips that I have collected from my lived experience about how to survive in Peru:

1. Have toilet paper on your person at ALL times
2. Rid yourself of personal space issues while using public transportation
3. Refuse as much food as you can politely (because you are served so much!)
4. Look around you in EVERY direction before crossing the street (even on one way streets)
5. Use earplugs for sleeping
6. Use earplugs for studying
7. Talk with Peruvians whenever possible
8. Do a celebratory dance when you see the sun (in Lima)
9. Bring warm clothing, lots of it
10. Comfortable walking shoes are a must

Those are all the tips that I can think of at the present moment. I´m enjoying my time in Peru very much so far. I am learning and experiencing much. Lima is a bustling, diverse, huge city that is experiencing much development and is full of beautiful people.

Peace

There are two things that I am certain of: uncertainty in life and the faithfulness of God.

I could write volumes about how God has guided me, been at work in my life, how I've changed, what I've learned, how I've grown and developed as an individual, etc. Instead I'll share with you some of the pieces that have helped me along in my journey:

Lamentations 3:19-24

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him."

2 Timothoy 2:11-13

"Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,
    we will also live with him;
if we endure,
    we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
    he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
    he remains faithful,
    for he cannot disown himself."

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth."

Generosity

My life has been marked by the generosity of others.

I recognize that everything that I have been entrusted with thus far in my life I could have never have achieved without the love, support, and generous giving from an amazing base of supporters who have believed in my over the years.

I acknowledge this and yet still I put my hope not in government, not in family, not in friends, not in money, wealth, resources, but in the Lord. I say in my heart as the psalmist wrote, 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth." -Psalm 121:1-2

Thinking about all the opportunities I have been afforded and how I have been a recipient many gracious gifts over the years, my heart overflows with gratitude. I only hope that I am able to be a blessing to others in the same way that I have been so amply blessed.

This verse has been the one running through my brain like a broken record as this gratitude has been deeply resonating with me:

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." -1 John 3:16-18

My friends joke about me having only one facial expression: a huge smile. Whether I'm happy, excited, sad, mad, injured, what you'll likely see is a smile. I smile when I frown, when I cry, even when I'm seriously injured (see photo below); I have come to realize that this can be a huge source of confusion. Though admittedly I sometimes use my smile to mask my sadness, fear, anxiety, or anger, I would say 96% of the time my facial expression is a true reflection of what my heart is feeling, even if the circumstance and my face don't match according to what it "should be". What my heart feels is joy from God, whose generosity I am most deeply grateful for above all else!

Photo credit: Anna? I smiled the entire night that I busted my head open, though I was in some serious pain and extremely sick.

The kingdom of heaven is like

I woke up with the parable of the pearl of great value in my mind one day last week. I got up and read the passage, which got me thinking. This blog post is a product of my pensive mood as I have been chewing on this. It's still raw, so be gentle with me.

The kingdom of heaven. Or as Jo-Ann Brant would be proud of me perhaps to have learned from her class, the reign of heaven/reign of God.

The kingdom of heaven is like…

There is such depth to Scripture. So the kingdom of heaven could mean: the literal place of heaven, the kingdom of God on earth, the presence of God, the value of a relationship with God, or perhaps elements of salvation, justification, sanctification, mercy, grace; or all these things wrapped up in one? Yes. And I don’t know. This is what Jesus says in a parable:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

-Matthew 13:44-46

The kingdom of heaven appears to you, comes upon you. When you find it and realize that there is nothing else like it, nothing else worthy of investing in, then you will sell all of your possessions literal and figurative so that you may obtain it.

The kingdom of heaven is sought out. There is nothing in this life worth living for. Not wealth, not fame, nothing. When you discover that heaven is the only thing of value in life, it is the treasure that you have always been looking for, you will be compelled to sell everything to have it.

Ironically, for the greatest and most valuable gift available, there are not enough resources that you could ever obtain to trade in for it. Thanks be to God for his son Jesus, the savior of the world, standing in the place as the pure payment so that I may receive the greatest gift without cost.

This makes me think of the following first few verses in Isaiah 55: “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”

And finally from Matthew 6:21, “for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I have been thinking a lot lately about where my heart is and what motives lie within; my mind is swirling with thoughts, my own mingled with memorized snipits of Scripture.