Churning

I cannot believe that my last post was in January. I have so many thoughts churning in my mind, wrestlings within my heart and and half-formed blog posts in my head, but haven't been able to commit them to this blog space. I've been doing a lot of internal processing this semester. Perhaps some of that will make it onto here soon. I won't make any promises though!

Life is busy, life is good. There has been so much sunshine this winter that it has made the negative temperatures somewhat bearable. Spring is starting to show up, and for that I am glad! Oh, and I graduate in 27 days! I have so much that I am looking forward to in the near and also more distant future. Some of that is still shrouded in secrecy because I am a private person. I am friendly, warm, and generally open-to an extent that is. I willingly admit that my appearance of being a fairly open is a facade. I'll chip away at the concrete soon enough and let you in a layer deeper in time. Patience my dear friends! By the time I graduate you'll get to hear about what I'm doing after college.

I extend the grace, peace and love of Jesus Christ to you all during this season of Lent. Speaking of Lent, you can read a devotional I wrote for Goshen College here: Our Strong and Dependable Rock

Somewhere in the Andes Mountains en route from Huacarpay to Colca. The view is overlooking the stretch of road we just covered and at this position we're still climbing.

Stream of consciousness

It’s that time between dusk and dark; too dark to be dusk, too light to be dark. I like to run, ride my bike or go on a walk to clear my head. This is a beautiful night for it, except for the bugs, but if you want the good, you must take the good with the not so good also. If I were an inventor, I would create a bug catcher that in some way simulated hair, because as the wind whipped my hair while I peddled on, the bugs were held fast as prisoners in its clutches. I’m timing my breathing as I maneuver through clouds of gnats. I hate gnats. Are they gnats? Close enough. Small, and terrible when inhaled. When I clear my head I often just let thoughts fly, think about whatever comes to mind, from important things, to irrelevant things, to things on my heart and mind, philosophical questions, scientific quandaries, whatever.

In the midst of this mental free-write, I like to pray. Tonight I am so thankful that God does not tire of my conversation, so often one-sided. My thoughts fly so quickly that there is no room for a word from another to come in edgewise. I am so thankful that God doesn’t have better things to do, isn’t too tired to listen, is genuinely interested, deeply loves me, and is attentive to the things that concern me, no matter how infinitesimal they may be. Wow. This blows my mind every time I ponder it.

Smells have the ability to instantly transport me back in time.

As I bike past a wooden fence along the Winona Trail, wet with the evening dew an releasing its earthy redolence, I am instantly an eight-year old girl again at Day Camp with my girl scout troop, shy and insecure. We're on the mulch trail through the woods on a way to our next activity. My best friend Kayla is there at my side.

Recently on a Wednesday evening as I was in the middle of an interval run with my faithful and motivational interval partner Kristin Martin, the heavy scent of the towels being washed and dried in the Rec Fit Center zapped me back to the Philippines. It’s 115 degrees Fahrenheit, Jess and I have hailed a tricycle heading to Island City Mall in Tagbilaran City, Bohol to pick up our laundry. We walk into the tiny nook of a laundromat and instantly get even sweatier. How is that even possible? It is at least twenty, maybe even thirty degrees hotter in here. The air is thick with detergent and fabric softener smell. I taste it with each sticky breath. How do these women sit here each day washing, drying, ironing, and folding clothes in this environment? It’s a living I suppose.

Trikes in Tagbilaran City, Bohol

Laundromat ladies who we visited pretty much weekly

Normal

I, being an introvert, have the tendency to ponder. I enjoy getting lost in thought and being introspective. As of late, I have desperately been searching for something to blog about in an effort to keep this thing rolling. I often think that I don't have anything extraordinary to share, and I don't really. Just normal things.

I think that it is reasonable to say that I am "normal", fairly ordinary. I do hesitate to use that word though, because I have trouble classifying people; they don't categorize well (this is a tangent that I will perhaps explore at a later date and time). Plus I think normal has connotations that don't exactly fit me, such as status quo and conforming. I'm too feisty for those words.

I marvel at the ability of others to express their thoughts so eloquently, to perform music, to write, to act, do athletics, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am not getting down on myself. I know that it is okay to appreciate things in others and that everyone can't be great at everything. I strive to be great in my own way, but more and more I feel that I am simply average. That's okay with me.

Allow me to try to express what I mean:

I have been told many times before that I am special, that I am destined for greatness, and perhaps I am. Or perhaps I am just here to live a normal life. To love God, to love others and to serve. For me, these things are sufficient. I love to learn. I hate it when I can't get something, like math. Math and Leanna don't mix. I really like to work hard. Maybe it is the perfectionist in me, but if I'm not giving all of me in what I'm doing, I would rather not even bother. I'm not exceptionally smart, but I put in whatever it takes to understand something to achieve at a high level. I'm not that great at relationships, but I genuinely love people. I am a paradox in so many ways. One of which is that I love people but am an introvert and being around people drains me. I'm rather simple, but also extremely complicated.

Those are some of the inner workings of one of my thought processes. They never come out quite how I'd like them too, but they're in pretty raw form. I am working on being candid and honest. This is a step toward that effort.

I came across this verse in Matthew several months ago think back on it often; it tends to pop into my head a lot. For whatever reason it resonates very strongly with me. It's the tail-end of a verse talking about Jesus and John the Baptist (which also appears in Luke 7:34-35):

For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.' But wisdom is proved right by her actions."

- Matthew 11:18-19

Blessed and broken

I don't know about you, but I definitely go through certain periods of my life where I just feel so incredibly blessed. And it's not necessarily just during the best of times either. I don't really have much to complain about, I live quite comfortably, but everyone has their share of rough patches in life; big or small, rough is rough! Life doesn't have to be a peeing contest where we try to settle who has it worse off. Let's just love each other through the messiness.

The thing that I love about those rough patches is that God is so present there. I have come to realize through prayer, Scripture, and just living and interacting with others some deep issues that are inhibiting my growth as an individual. Working through these inhibitors has been painful, enlightening, freeing, and not without a fair share of tears.

The Lord is so patient with me and I thank him often for not giving up on his work in progress.

I have been especially blessed by Scripture lately. It seems that no matter what page I open to in my Bible lately I have just been so blessed by the words and they target my heart in just the right way. God is so wonderful in that way.

This goes for prayer as well. I don't really know what it is, but certain times more than others it just feels like I am known, heard, understood, and that my prayers will be answered. Even at those times when I have a lack for words, I feel like my heart is connecting with the heart of God. Lately my prayers have devolved to, "Lord help me." And he does. Daily.

There are an overwhelming number of verses that deal with the Lord hearing cries for mercy and answering them.

                Psalm 116:1-6

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
  he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
  the anguish of the grave came over me;

I was overcome by distress and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD:
   “LORD, save me!”

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
  our God is full of compassion.
 

The LORD protects the unwary;
  when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
  for the LORD has been good to you.

Joy in simple things

There are some that say I am easily amused. This is true. I was contemplating the things that bring me great joy. They are often times not externally very profound, though sometimes they are.

Among the many simple things that bring me joy, not in any order or by any means an exclusive list: sunshine, being barefoot, having my head rubbed, laughing with friends, laughing by myself, writing letters, receiving letters, the feeling of having just showered after getting really dirty, purring cats, flowers, gray rainy days, thunderstorms, deep conversations, running, drinking water, thinking, solitude, listening, baking, learning, people, manatees, books.

There is joy in simplicity.