Where my hope lies

Life is so much like the ocean. There are cycles and waves.

In the past eight years of my life:
I have doubted my own self and my decisions.
My  faith in God and humanity has wavered.
My health has faltered.
My heart has been splintered.
I have been disappointed in relationships.
Loved ones have died.
My ambitions have been trampled.
Curve balls have been thrown.
I have been lonely.
I have felt lost.

Through it all God has been faithful and to this day remains faithful.
And my faith, though wavering and at times almost nonexistent, has sustained me.

Praise be to God, my Sustainer. My hope is in you.

A stunning view of the mountains and the sea in Delphi, Greece

Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful.  
And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. 
-Hebrews 10:19-25

Churning

I cannot believe that my last post was in January. I have so many thoughts churning in my mind, wrestlings within my heart and and half-formed blog posts in my head, but haven't been able to commit them to this blog space. I've been doing a lot of internal processing this semester. Perhaps some of that will make it onto here soon. I won't make any promises though!

Life is busy, life is good. There has been so much sunshine this winter that it has made the negative temperatures somewhat bearable. Spring is starting to show up, and for that I am glad! Oh, and I graduate in 27 days! I have so much that I am looking forward to in the near and also more distant future. Some of that is still shrouded in secrecy because I am a private person. I am friendly, warm, and generally open-to an extent that is. I willingly admit that my appearance of being a fairly open is a facade. I'll chip away at the concrete soon enough and let you in a layer deeper in time. Patience my dear friends! By the time I graduate you'll get to hear about what I'm doing after college.

I extend the grace, peace and love of Jesus Christ to you all during this season of Lent. Speaking of Lent, you can read a devotional I wrote for Goshen College here: Our Strong and Dependable Rock

Somewhere in the Andes Mountains en route from Huacarpay to Colca. The view is overlooking the stretch of road we just covered and at this position we're still climbing.

On receiving

It is better to give than to receive, they say.

It is better to know when to receive instead of give, I might add.

This summer has been a healing time for me. I am surrounded by a community of givers where I do not feel ashamed to be a receiver - and often. Currently I am in a position where I need to take a little more than I give. I generally find that giving is a way to receive, but at the moment I am so thankful to be surrounded by generous people that I am able to take. And take. And take some more.

Being needy is not something that I enjoy, but I think it is definitely a theme in this season I am in. Not just needy, but desperate. Raw. The kind of needy that you cannot hide; I fear that people can see through my facade, see the tears that are ready to be shed at any moment. I’m not really trying to hide the fact that I am needy, I just don’t want to make others uncomfortable.

I was just journaling the other day that I feel like a faker. I fear I am faking being happy. Perhaps happy isn’t the right word; I am happy. However deep down the core of me is discontent and restless.

My friends joke that I only have one expression, a huge smile. This is true. I do wear a smile more often than not. That smile is not faking, because even deeper than the discontent that is writhing within my core is a bedrock of faith. Because of my faith, I have hope, wrought through time and adversity.

I was just washing up the dishes at the close of the evening and reflecting on the fact that I genuinely enjoyed and was thoroughly present in the moment during an entire evening I just had. Dinner with friends. Discussing all the wonderful fruits that we’ve sampled from our times abroad. Silly YouTube videos. Laughter. Sharing. Receiving. Giving.

Lately I have had difficulty being present with others. This has been troubling since it is usually something that comes very naturally for me. I am invested in relationships and genuinely love to hear everything from others that range from the mundane to the highly significant. These days I cling to the moments when I forget that I am trying to override this utter feeling of dissatisfaction and don’t have to exert any effort to be absorbed in the moment. Hope.

I know that this feeling of discontent that comes with this stage, I have had similar ones in my life, and no doubt there will be more. The preparation stage. The worst kind of stage that results in the best possible outcome. God has been stripping me of everything that I put trust and security in and will stop when God alone remains.

Nature reflects the will for life to continue despite circumstances that may be. Nature is somewhere I find hope.

At this point I feel the weirdest sense of peace I have ever felt. Sometimes I think I have lost it. Lost my peace, lost my faith, but the truth is I was built to endure much adversity. For whatever reason some require a lot more refining by fire than others. I would like to think that all the adversity, all the tears, all the questioning, the doubts, the fists shaking in the air, add up to making things better for those who come after me.

It certainly has made me a tougher and a softer person at the same time. God is into paradoxes.

Spring and summer happenings

So it's the end of June and my last update was April 1st. Whoops!

This doesn't mean nothing worth mentioning has happened, au contraire!

1) With April came the end of the Spring semester, thanks be to God on high! Seriously.

2) May Term play term was a lot of fun but incredibly busy.

My typical day went something like this: wake, eat, Religion and Sexuality from 8-12, lunch, forum post for class, work from 3-5, intramural volley ball games from 6-7ish, dinner, then reading homework for all of eternity, thank you KGM. Throw in spontaneous Chief visits and card nights, too!

3) Chicago Half Marathon! May 19, 2013

This was so FUN! A shout out to the best ever running buddy, Kristin Martin! We ran the race together and finished under our goal time clocking in at 2hr:22min:26sec. A huge thank you to Kristin's aunt and uncle who allowed us to have full use of their awesome condo to crash the night before the race. This will forever be the weekend that the stars aligned perfectly.

One of the things I most love about running is how I am constantly blown away by the things that I am capable of. This has spilled into a larger metaphor in all facets of my life: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, as well as physically. I love pushing the limits of what I once thought was possible.

4) Working with the fun, quirky printing and mailing crew at GC.

I went strait from school to working full-time at my campus job I started back in January in the printing and mailing department. There is never a dull moment!

5) Summer spontaneity.

I love working a forty hour work week then doing whatever you want! So unlike school where the work is unending. I run, read, porch sit, and write letters in my free time. It's awesome. I am currently engrossed in Les Miserables. When I'm not doing one of those four things I'm hanging out with my girl Rosalynde or having potlucks with other GC students hanging around for the summer. This is a slice of the good life.

 That's the nutshell version to catch you all up on life happenings!

In the darkness shines a faint light, small but powerful

It is now April. It has been about six weeks since my last post, but not because I have had a lack of things to say. There are many drafts that I started and stopped. There have been more drafts than that started in my mind that I didn't allow to leave the confines of my mind.

My journal has been experienceing the same kind of neglect, so don't take it too personally.

Writing is therapeutic for me, a sort of catharsis if you will. Everything is ok as long as I'm writing, even if nothing is ok.

I haven't been writing.

And things have been far from ok.

Well folks, to put it mildly, so far this year has been exceptionally hard. I have battled through so much in these past three months to make it to today, the first of April. I started off this year so hopeful, so optimistic. The realist in me is kicking myself in the butt, whispering, "See, that's what happens when you dare to hope." Or was that the depression speaking? Probably both. Yes, most likely both.

Depression sucks. I have battled with it off and on throughout my life, most of the time silently, not even acknowledging it myself. I thought if I ignored it, maybe it would go away. Maybe people wouldn't notice. Mostly I felt guilty and ashamed. A little proud as well. Or a lot proud. I have a fierce independent streak in me. But depression alone is awful. Depression on top of a host of other crappy curve balls that life throws and keeps throwing (which I won't even attempt to delve into here; ain't nobody got time for that!) feels like it will absolutely consume you from the inside out.

But it is freeing to realize that we can't do it alone. That we don't have to and we weren't meant to.

I have cried so much this year.

I cry relatively easily. I have a really tender, sensitive heart, but I began to realize that crying on an average of every other day was NOT normal. This was not like me.

Late one night, through chatting with a friend on Skype, I admitted to myself that my depression had come back. Just removing the denial of that fact was enough to lift a weight. I didn't have to try to fake it any longer, but rather could face this beast for what it was, like I have had to before. But depression is a dirty bastard. People who have never experienced what depression is have no idea what it is like. It is not this thing that can simply be shaken off. It is like something that crawls deep into your mind and plants itself there. Rationality goes out the window. For someone who is logical, this is terrifying.

I usually fight off emotion with logic, but that is another topic altogether. I have a systematic way of disecting what I am feeling and why. I am able to compartmentalize my feelings. I have been accused by a dear male friend of mine of being "like a guy" in this way, because often my truest feelings never reach the surface. Those must be excavated.

With depression, logic is useless. I am left defenseless, mainly because I can't answer my first question on that checklist: why do I feel this way?

Long story short, I am winning this battle. I am not defenseless, but I am already victorious. The war isn't over, and more battles will likely crop up throughout the rest of my life, but I have conquered so many of these battles before. Not without God though, and the love and support of people like my father who know what a bastard depression is and how powerful the love of God is.

There are those who believe that God does not want us to suffer and that there is no place for suffering. I don't believe that God wishes us to suffer, but I am confident that God uses it. I can't help but believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this. In hindsight I am thankful for the pain, because it has made me realize my dependence on God, God's love, grace, provision, and my own ability to be a light when all that surrounds is darkness.

P.S. I want to give a shout out to Abby Hertzler, whose book inspired me to finally put these words to the page through her book The Pen and the Pieces of Myself.

Peace

There are two things that I am certain of: uncertainty in life and the faithfulness of God.

I could write volumes about how God has guided me, been at work in my life, how I've changed, what I've learned, how I've grown and developed as an individual, etc. Instead I'll share with you some of the pieces that have helped me along in my journey:

Lamentations 3:19-24

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him."

2 Timothoy 2:11-13

"Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,
    we will also live with him;
if we endure,
    we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
    he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
    he remains faithful,
    for he cannot disown himself."

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth."

Didn't see that one coming?

I love to catch people off guard and completely take them by surprise.

My mantra for life is: It is not that serious.

A close Spanish equivalent that I throw around often is, ¡no es para tanto!

We take life way too seriously. We take ourselves way too seriously. Pero, ¡no es para tanto! Es la verdad.

That is one of the reasons why I love to do things that are completely unexpected; it keeps things interesting.

I also am of the strong opinion that people cannot be defined in the sense of being put into a specific category. In order that I maintain a clear sense of who I am, I feel the need to shatter people's expectations.* For example, of what to expect from an introvert faking extroversion, a Christian, a nice/good person, a Resident Assistant, a Bible and Religion major, a sister of three brothers, someone who can be boringly studious at times, an only daughter, etc. I also like to surprise people with the extensive variety of music that I listen to, the fact that yes, I do drink but no, I don't go to parties, and yes, I do swear on occasion. Individuals are so multidimensional! Myself included.

That is one reason why I love getting acquainted with many different people. Though I have a small inner circle of close friends, I have many, many acquaintances. I value each and every relationship I have, no matter what the level of it may be. We can learn so much from one another and our various experiences.

A note before we get to some spontaneity, I must mention the fact that I am a person who deeply appreciates order, regularity, etc, etc. Insert any among of the many nouns that a perfectionist/type A personality would value here. However, variety is the spice of life. And I would just like to add that I am a self proclaimed "recovering perfectionist".

Two of the most recent (and memorable) ways I have embraced being spontaneous:

1. Anna and I cartwheel around campus as a form of transportation. It makes people smile. Or confused. Or both.

2. Approaching people to ask them the first thing that happened to pop into my mind while observing them doing something I perceived to be strange (such as when I noticed someone filling a bowl with peanut butter from across the Rott).

*My goal is not to compromise my morals/values in being spontaneous.

Easter reflections

I have three loves in life: Jesus, helping others, and my cat. (Okay, so the last one is a bit of a joke, but I seriously have more love in my heart for my cat than may be appropriate to be designated toward an animal.) Back to being serious…

The first love in my life is Jesus. Jesus is the single most important thing to me and he is central to my own identity. Today is Easter, the day when we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the messiah.

I am remembering my Uncle Joe and my Pepa* on this day, who both passed away last year. I am still grieving their absence from my life, but am able to rejoice because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus' death and resurrection, those who believe will also be raised to life after death.

Flower heart from Pepa's funeral last April

I am so thankful today as we remember and celebrate Jesus' sacrificial death and subsequent resurrection. The authors of Romans and Ephesians say it well:

 ⁷ “Blessed are those
   whose transgressions are forgiven,
   whose sins are covered.
⁸ Blessed are those
   whose sin the Lord will never count against them.”
-Romans 4:7,8

 ¹ As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, ² in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. ³ All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast.
-Ephesians 2:1-9

*Pepa is my paternal grandfather. When my eldest cousin Nicole started talking she couldn't say "grandpa", but instead pronounced it "Pepa". It stuck and thus was how he was referred to by his grandchildren.

Life isn't fair

My mother always told my brothers and me growing up, "Life isn't fair." 

This is a true statement. Another true statement is that you can indeed bust your head open! It's not a myth that mothers say to scare you! But that is another matter entirely…

Here is an example of the way that life isn't fair: Life catches you in your moments of weakness and ignoring all fighting etiquette, kicks you repeatedly in the stomach while you're down.

But in the midst of feeling this way, this is the Scripture that comes to my mind right away:

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
  Psalm 20:7

Check out what I found on Google. Appropriate, no?

 This song comes to mind also; I first heard while at Goshen College and have come to love because I identify with it so well:

How Can I Keep From Singing by Enya

And that song reminds me of this verse:

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
  Psalm 61:1-2

God has always been faithful to me, and has a pretty great track record for his faithfulness for that matter. I am confident in his faithfulness when I am able to find confidence in nothing else.

Blessed and broken

I don't know about you, but I definitely go through certain periods of my life where I just feel so incredibly blessed. And it's not necessarily just during the best of times either. I don't really have much to complain about, I live quite comfortably, but everyone has their share of rough patches in life; big or small, rough is rough! Life doesn't have to be a peeing contest where we try to settle who has it worse off. Let's just love each other through the messiness.

The thing that I love about those rough patches is that God is so present there. I have come to realize through prayer, Scripture, and just living and interacting with others some deep issues that are inhibiting my growth as an individual. Working through these inhibitors has been painful, enlightening, freeing, and not without a fair share of tears.

The Lord is so patient with me and I thank him often for not giving up on his work in progress.

I have been especially blessed by Scripture lately. It seems that no matter what page I open to in my Bible lately I have just been so blessed by the words and they target my heart in just the right way. God is so wonderful in that way.

This goes for prayer as well. I don't really know what it is, but certain times more than others it just feels like I am known, heard, understood, and that my prayers will be answered. Even at those times when I have a lack for words, I feel like my heart is connecting with the heart of God. Lately my prayers have devolved to, "Lord help me." And he does. Daily.

There are an overwhelming number of verses that deal with the Lord hearing cries for mercy and answering them.

                Psalm 116:1-6

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
  he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
  the anguish of the grave came over me;

I was overcome by distress and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD:
   “LORD, save me!”

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
  our God is full of compassion.
 

The LORD protects the unwary;
  when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
  for the LORD has been good to you.

Joy in simple things

There are some that say I am easily amused. This is true. I was contemplating the things that bring me great joy. They are often times not externally very profound, though sometimes they are.

Among the many simple things that bring me joy, not in any order or by any means an exclusive list: sunshine, being barefoot, having my head rubbed, laughing with friends, laughing by myself, writing letters, receiving letters, the feeling of having just showered after getting really dirty, purring cats, flowers, gray rainy days, thunderstorms, deep conversations, running, drinking water, thinking, solitude, listening, baking, learning, people, manatees, books.

There is joy in simplicity.