Where my hope lies

Life is so much like the ocean. There are cycles and waves.

In the past eight years of my life:
I have doubted my own self and my decisions.
My  faith in God and humanity has wavered.
My health has faltered.
My heart has been splintered.
I have been disappointed in relationships.
Loved ones have died.
My ambitions have been trampled.
Curve balls have been thrown.
I have been lonely.
I have felt lost.

Through it all God has been faithful and to this day remains faithful.
And my faith, though wavering and at times almost nonexistent, has sustained me.

Praise be to God, my Sustainer. My hope is in you.

A stunning view of the mountains and the sea in Delphi, Greece

Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful.  
And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. 
-Hebrews 10:19-25

Double-minded

Balance is so fickle, isn't it? I feel that I am terrible at balance in  most areas of my life, and tend to behave like a pendulum swinging out of control. Except for my ability to keep my balance, as in center of gravity; I have pretty good stability, but I digress.

The point of this blog post is not to talk about my mad balancing skills.

Lately I have been mulling over an inner battle that has been raging for at least a year now. I am what the author of the book of James calls double-minded.

That's right, double-minded. Who admits to this stuff? I guess I do.

 I'm a hypocrite, my faith sometimes is extremely weak if not almost entirely non-existent at times.

 Why? Well, it's a long story, but here's the quick and dirty:

I'm a college student.
I am terrified of being in debt.
I am in debt to the federal government for an amount that makes my heart stop whenever think about or view it.
I have been praying to graduate from undergrad debt free.

It sounds crazy, I know, but I feel like God can handle it. But at the same time I doubt the possibility, because from my perspective it seems near nigh impossible. I have felt really convicted lately because I am praying, asking God to help me make this become a reality while simultaneously doubting that it is even a remote possibility. The result is an epic and terrible struggle internally. The reason I site it as an issue with balance is because I struggle with how much to depend on my own ability to be financially responsible and how much to trust that God will work it out if I ask.

I am asking for wisdom; am I in a position to receive it when I am likened to the windblown surf of the sea?

I don't have any resolution to this dilemma, but the purpose of this blog is to obtain a higher level of accountability myself but publishing my thoughts. Check.

I do know this: prayer, meditation on Scripture and sharing my struggles with others are all helping to strengthen my faith into something more resilient and genuine, even if when it travels over rocky terrain. Especially then.

Generosity

My life has been marked by the generosity of others.

I recognize that everything that I have been entrusted with thus far in my life I could have never have achieved without the love, support, and generous giving from an amazing base of supporters who have believed in my over the years.

I acknowledge this and yet still I put my hope not in government, not in family, not in friends, not in money, wealth, resources, but in the Lord. I say in my heart as the psalmist wrote, 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth." -Psalm 121:1-2

Thinking about all the opportunities I have been afforded and how I have been a recipient many gracious gifts over the years, my heart overflows with gratitude. I only hope that I am able to be a blessing to others in the same way that I have been so amply blessed.

This verse has been the one running through my brain like a broken record as this gratitude has been deeply resonating with me:

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." -1 John 3:16-18

My friends joke about me having only one facial expression: a huge smile. Whether I'm happy, excited, sad, mad, injured, what you'll likely see is a smile. I smile when I frown, when I cry, even when I'm seriously injured (see photo below); I have come to realize that this can be a huge source of confusion. Though admittedly I sometimes use my smile to mask my sadness, fear, anxiety, or anger, I would say 96% of the time my facial expression is a true reflection of what my heart is feeling, even if the circumstance and my face don't match according to what it "should be". What my heart feels is joy from God, whose generosity I am most deeply grateful for above all else!

Photo credit: Anna? I smiled the entire night that I busted my head open, though I was in some serious pain and extremely sick.

Life isn't fair

My mother always told my brothers and me growing up, "Life isn't fair." 

This is a true statement. Another true statement is that you can indeed bust your head open! It's not a myth that mothers say to scare you! But that is another matter entirely…

Here is an example of the way that life isn't fair: Life catches you in your moments of weakness and ignoring all fighting etiquette, kicks you repeatedly in the stomach while you're down.

But in the midst of feeling this way, this is the Scripture that comes to my mind right away:

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
  Psalm 20:7

Check out what I found on Google. Appropriate, no?

 This song comes to mind also; I first heard while at Goshen College and have come to love because I identify with it so well:

How Can I Keep From Singing by Enya

And that song reminds me of this verse:

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
  Psalm 61:1-2

God has always been faithful to me, and has a pretty great track record for his faithfulness for that matter. I am confident in his faithfulness when I am able to find confidence in nothing else.