Ups and downs

This year has been one giant roller coaster of emotions for me. At the end of 2012 I had high hopes for all that 2013 would bring. I was confident that prosperity was on the other side of December 31st. My hopes were quickly squashed as I realized that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Duh. I have cried this year more than I have ever cried. Tears as a result of sadness, anger, depression, doubt, fear, unmet expectations, loneliness, hopelessness, and a few tears of joy as well.

Despite seemingly unending tears met with feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, destitution, and abandonment, that is not to say that 2013 has not been a good year.

The definition of "good" is dependent upon the perspective behind it all. I think for me it is perhaps too strong to say that everything happens for a reason. However I am comfortable saying with great confidence that God uses every experience in our lives to teach us if we are willing to learn.

To be certain, when I look back on the past twenty-five and a half years of my life, the hardships have been the things that have shaped me the most. The roughest stages of my life are the ones I look back on with fondness and gratitude. It is in those stages that I learn to cling to and rely on God. It is in those moments that I allow myself to be open in vulnerable ways with those around me that I am normally not comfortable doing. It is important to be able to take down our façades and allow what is real behind them to show. It isn't always pretty, but it is genuine.

These are the things I've experienced in brokenness that I am thankful for: They mark formative years, thickened skin, an ever-growing empathy, humility, dependence on God, strength, confidence, poise.

I give praise and thanks to God who is my constant support, ever present in time of need, and the epitome of patience. Here goes a big shout out to God: thanks for not giving up on me!!

I want to take this moment to say a big thank you to all my supporters in life!
You encourage and uplift me with your prayers, kind words and actions.

Life lessons

I am very embarrassed and hesitant to share what I am about to right now.

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. A huge mistake a regret a lot for a variety of reasons. That however is a tangent and besides the point for the moment.

On January first of this year (five short days ago) I found and purchased a used car from an owner that I found listed on Craigslist.

The long story made short is that the seller was dishonest about the condition of the car (mainly the failing transmission). He was able to pass it off as acceptable by being extremely crafty. Don't be so quick to judge me, reader. I won't describe all the ways that he was able to pull the wool over my eyes. Looking back I can recognize the signs, but he was a very good swindler. Well played, sir.

I have been through all sorts of emotions today. I have been furious, felt sad, disappointed, wronged, stupid, childish, and had all sorts of evil thoughts ran through my mind that I am not at all proud of. I had my first cry of the year; then my second. I thought about calling him. I wanted to tell him what he did was wrong and then give him a piece of my mind. But I did not. Being logical as I am, I knew that it would accomplish nothing and would just get me more worked up. I don't want to be angry.

Tonight I realized there is only one thing to help the situation at this point. I realized that what I need to do is forgive him. The strange thing about this conclusion is that I feel like I not only need to forgive him but I also want to. I firmly believe that this is not of me but rather it is  nothing short of God.

So, I did. I forgave him.

And though I am still out the money, I am still out an operational car, I am still out some of my pride, I have inner peace. Tomorrow after church I plan on calling this man to tell him 1) he was dishonest with me, 2) what he did was wrong, 3) I forgive him and wish him well. I pan on concluding the conversation by telling him I don't expect any action on his end (since he swindled me in the first place) but I am just calling him to let him know that I am forgiving him for his wrong against me as Christ forgave me.

That's the long and the short of it. In life you live and learn I suppose.

 

Out with the old, in with the new

As the year winds down and the new year approaches, people start making resolutions of change. That is all well and good, but I have come to realize that the motives behind the desired change are just as important, if not more so, than the actual results.

I came to this realization as I was continually finding things about myself that I wanted to change. I found myself questioning God (in a highly unorthodox and irreverent manner might I add) why and naming off all the reasons why it would be better if he could simply "fix" all the things I see wrong. I felt a response from deep within saying, "If you accepted yourself like I accept you, then you wouldn't feel the need to change." Huh. Way to be profound and humble me in a split second, God.

So this year I am resolving to continue walking out my faith, working out my salvation, and trying to carry out one of the greatest commandments to its fullest, summed up this way:

1) Love God
2) Love others
3) Love self

It is more blessed to give than to receive

One of my favorite things to do is learn.

My favorite thing about knowledge is that it is so expansive so that even after you think you have learned something, you still can relearn it on a deeper level.

In Peru I learned many things. I learned about a different culture, climates, history, language, transportation system, foods. The greatest lesson I (re)learned is this one recorded in Acts 20:35 where Paul quotes Jesus saying:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Another way to say this is I learned humility.

The thing about learning lessons in humility is that often times the most poignant lessons in are the direct result of being humiliated.

This was the case for me as my pride was exposed and then stripped away.

This variety of pride happens to be the ugliest, for it is not the upfront, boasting, in-your-face pride, but rather is the deeply buried, quiet, inward selfishness that often goes unnoticed. Pride that is not intentional and cutting, but that is subtle and natural, coming out in sly disguises and sometimes even with good intentions laced throughout it.

I am still internally processing the various lessons I encountered in all forms in the past three months. I may elaborate on them once I feel that I have the language to connect with these lessons that have been burned in my heart.