Journeys & Writings of Paul

Monday, February 27, 2012

Here and now

Every once and a while (especially as of late) I catch myself looking around and saying inwardly, "What I am doing?"

Now I understand that this is in no way a foreign experience for someone my age. But seriously, what am I doing? I am attending college. My two majors are discipline that I love to learn about and involve what I see myself using for the rest of my life. However, I am not concerned with the future. The area that I seem to have the most difficulty trusting with is the here and now.

Let's get strait to the point: I have no clue how to live in the present. I am really quite terrible at it, I have found. I remember that six short years ago, it seemed that trusting God with my  future used to seem so difficult to me. I have come to realize that trusting all the uncertainty of the future to God is really easy in comparison with trying to live out the daily grind of honoring God and serving others.

God, in the midst of this uncertainty, I do trust you.

I often feel like a hamster in a wheel, stuck in a routine, running but not ever getting anywhere. I don't know what has all of the sudden made me weary of my current routine. I think that it is because it is not here that my ultimate satisfaction lies. I feel as though I am living without a direction, without purpose. I feel lonely. It is really hard to admit these things to myself; I don't know what to do with them. I am full of passion, talents, gifts, and willingness to boot! But as far as what to direct these towards, I am at a loss.

These are some of the things churning within me as of late. They are hard to process in my mind, to write in my journal, let alone blog about. And yet, I trust that honesty before my friends, family, and loved ones will help to carry me through.

I am thankful to you, my loving, patient, merciful God who guides and directs me through times that are filled with self-doubt and caprice.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Leanna...I love your honesty. I want you to know, you are not alone. Sometimes we women can give hormones the credit for our feelings and sometimes it is because we matured and see things differently than we once did. You are an amazing young woman and His timing is perfect. He wants you to wait on Him. His plan is perfect. Keeping learning, absorbing, growing and be open to God. He will show you the way. Praying for you, Tina