Churning

I cannot believe that my last post was in January. I have so many thoughts churning in my mind, wrestlings within my heart and and half-formed blog posts in my head, but haven't been able to commit them to this blog space. I've been doing a lot of internal processing this semester. Perhaps some of that will make it onto here soon. I won't make any promises though!

Life is busy, life is good. There has been so much sunshine this winter that it has made the negative temperatures somewhat bearable. Spring is starting to show up, and for that I am glad! Oh, and I graduate in 27 days! I have so much that I am looking forward to in the near and also more distant future. Some of that is still shrouded in secrecy because I am a private person. I am friendly, warm, and generally open-to an extent that is. I willingly admit that my appearance of being a fairly open is a facade. I'll chip away at the concrete soon enough and let you in a layer deeper in time. Patience my dear friends! By the time I graduate you'll get to hear about what I'm doing after college.

I extend the grace, peace and love of Jesus Christ to you all during this season of Lent. Speaking of Lent, you can read a devotional I wrote for Goshen College here: Our Strong and Dependable Rock

Somewhere in the Andes Mountains en route from Huacarpay to Colca. The view is overlooking the stretch of road we just covered and at this position we're still climbing.

Goodbye 2013!

Happy New Year! It has been quite some time since my last post, so let's review some of 2013 shall we? I love lists, so I will make a list of highlights (starting with two broad themes, then in chronological order).

1. Best year of my life - I learned so much, all of which boil down these categories: humility, vulnerability, gratitude, and empathy.

The magnet reads: You're on the right road if you're happy when you're lost.

2. Worst year of my life - I made it out alive and am a better person and stronger for it.

3. March 23rd I got my forward helix pierced.

 4. May 19th I ran and completed the Chicago Half Marathon with the best running buddy a girl could ask for, Kristin Martin!  *2hr: 22min: 26sec*

5. June 2nd Eric graduated high school. I am extremely proud of this kid.

 6. June 29th my best friend of 19 years, Kayla Feltz, married the love of her life, Dean Puthoff.

7. June 30th I chopped off 15 inches of hair, give or take. I LOVE my new hair!

Before...

After!

8. July 1st I went gluten free.

 
9. September 29th Silas Joel Henriques came into the world! October 20th I met and cuddled and snuggled Silas.

10. God provided for me in miraculous ways.

 I am so looking forward to whatever 2014. In the past 25 years 10 months and 30 days, that is the entirety of my existence, I have learned that life is the ultimate crap-shoot. Relationships have proved to be the anchor in what started out to be a very rocky year, flooded with continual tears, doubts, fears, failures, ailments, and injuries. Midway things started looking up, leaving me optimistic that no matter whatever lies ahead of me it can be navigated with guidance from God and support from the wonderful community of friends and family around me. I will not say that I will never doubt God again, because I most likely will. And subsequently will be blown away yet again by God's unending love, patience, faithfulness, and remarkable way of coming through in the twelfth hour.

Ups and downs

This year has been one giant roller coaster of emotions for me. At the end of 2012 I had high hopes for all that 2013 would bring. I was confident that prosperity was on the other side of December 31st. My hopes were quickly squashed as I realized that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Duh. I have cried this year more than I have ever cried. Tears as a result of sadness, anger, depression, doubt, fear, unmet expectations, loneliness, hopelessness, and a few tears of joy as well.

Despite seemingly unending tears met with feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, destitution, and abandonment, that is not to say that 2013 has not been a good year.

The definition of "good" is dependent upon the perspective behind it all. I think for me it is perhaps too strong to say that everything happens for a reason. However I am comfortable saying with great confidence that God uses every experience in our lives to teach us if we are willing to learn.

To be certain, when I look back on the past twenty-five and a half years of my life, the hardships have been the things that have shaped me the most. The roughest stages of my life are the ones I look back on with fondness and gratitude. It is in those stages that I learn to cling to and rely on God. It is in those moments that I allow myself to be open in vulnerable ways with those around me that I am normally not comfortable doing. It is important to be able to take down our façades and allow what is real behind them to show. It isn't always pretty, but it is genuine.

These are the things I've experienced in brokenness that I am thankful for: They mark formative years, thickened skin, an ever-growing empathy, humility, dependence on God, strength, confidence, poise.

I give praise and thanks to God who is my constant support, ever present in time of need, and the epitome of patience. Here goes a big shout out to God: thanks for not giving up on me!!

I want to take this moment to say a big thank you to all my supporters in life!
You encourage and uplift me with your prayers, kind words and actions.

On receiving

It is better to give than to receive, they say.

It is better to know when to receive instead of give, I might add.

This summer has been a healing time for me. I am surrounded by a community of givers where I do not feel ashamed to be a receiver - and often. Currently I am in a position where I need to take a little more than I give. I generally find that giving is a way to receive, but at the moment I am so thankful to be surrounded by generous people that I am able to take. And take. And take some more.

Being needy is not something that I enjoy, but I think it is definitely a theme in this season I am in. Not just needy, but desperate. Raw. The kind of needy that you cannot hide; I fear that people can see through my facade, see the tears that are ready to be shed at any moment. I’m not really trying to hide the fact that I am needy, I just don’t want to make others uncomfortable.

I was just journaling the other day that I feel like a faker. I fear I am faking being happy. Perhaps happy isn’t the right word; I am happy. However deep down the core of me is discontent and restless.

My friends joke that I only have one expression, a huge smile. This is true. I do wear a smile more often than not. That smile is not faking, because even deeper than the discontent that is writhing within my core is a bedrock of faith. Because of my faith, I have hope, wrought through time and adversity.

I was just washing up the dishes at the close of the evening and reflecting on the fact that I genuinely enjoyed and was thoroughly present in the moment during an entire evening I just had. Dinner with friends. Discussing all the wonderful fruits that we’ve sampled from our times abroad. Silly YouTube videos. Laughter. Sharing. Receiving. Giving.

Lately I have had difficulty being present with others. This has been troubling since it is usually something that comes very naturally for me. I am invested in relationships and genuinely love to hear everything from others that range from the mundane to the highly significant. These days I cling to the moments when I forget that I am trying to override this utter feeling of dissatisfaction and don’t have to exert any effort to be absorbed in the moment. Hope.

I know that this feeling of discontent that comes with this stage, I have had similar ones in my life, and no doubt there will be more. The preparation stage. The worst kind of stage that results in the best possible outcome. God has been stripping me of everything that I put trust and security in and will stop when God alone remains.

Nature reflects the will for life to continue despite circumstances that may be. Nature is somewhere I find hope.

At this point I feel the weirdest sense of peace I have ever felt. Sometimes I think I have lost it. Lost my peace, lost my faith, but the truth is I was built to endure much adversity. For whatever reason some require a lot more refining by fire than others. I would like to think that all the adversity, all the tears, all the questioning, the doubts, the fists shaking in the air, add up to making things better for those who come after me.

It certainly has made me a tougher and a softer person at the same time. God is into paradoxes.

Spring and summer happenings

So it's the end of June and my last update was April 1st. Whoops!

This doesn't mean nothing worth mentioning has happened, au contraire!

1) With April came the end of the Spring semester, thanks be to God on high! Seriously.

2) May Term play term was a lot of fun but incredibly busy.

My typical day went something like this: wake, eat, Religion and Sexuality from 8-12, lunch, forum post for class, work from 3-5, intramural volley ball games from 6-7ish, dinner, then reading homework for all of eternity, thank you KGM. Throw in spontaneous Chief visits and card nights, too!

3) Chicago Half Marathon! May 19, 2013

This was so FUN! A shout out to the best ever running buddy, Kristin Martin! We ran the race together and finished under our goal time clocking in at 2hr:22min:26sec. A huge thank you to Kristin's aunt and uncle who allowed us to have full use of their awesome condo to crash the night before the race. This will forever be the weekend that the stars aligned perfectly.

One of the things I most love about running is how I am constantly blown away by the things that I am capable of. This has spilled into a larger metaphor in all facets of my life: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, as well as physically. I love pushing the limits of what I once thought was possible.

4) Working with the fun, quirky printing and mailing crew at GC.

I went strait from school to working full-time at my campus job I started back in January in the printing and mailing department. There is never a dull moment!

5) Summer spontaneity.

I love working a forty hour work week then doing whatever you want! So unlike school where the work is unending. I run, read, porch sit, and write letters in my free time. It's awesome. I am currently engrossed in Les Miserables. When I'm not doing one of those four things I'm hanging out with my girl Rosalynde or having potlucks with other GC students hanging around for the summer. This is a slice of the good life.

 That's the nutshell version to catch you all up on life happenings!

In the darkness shines a faint light, small but powerful

It is now April. It has been about six weeks since my last post, but not because I have had a lack of things to say. There are many drafts that I started and stopped. There have been more drafts than that started in my mind that I didn't allow to leave the confines of my mind.

My journal has been experienceing the same kind of neglect, so don't take it too personally.

Writing is therapeutic for me, a sort of catharsis if you will. Everything is ok as long as I'm writing, even if nothing is ok.

I haven't been writing.

And things have been far from ok.

Well folks, to put it mildly, so far this year has been exceptionally hard. I have battled through so much in these past three months to make it to today, the first of April. I started off this year so hopeful, so optimistic. The realist in me is kicking myself in the butt, whispering, "See, that's what happens when you dare to hope." Or was that the depression speaking? Probably both. Yes, most likely both.

Depression sucks. I have battled with it off and on throughout my life, most of the time silently, not even acknowledging it myself. I thought if I ignored it, maybe it would go away. Maybe people wouldn't notice. Mostly I felt guilty and ashamed. A little proud as well. Or a lot proud. I have a fierce independent streak in me. But depression alone is awful. Depression on top of a host of other crappy curve balls that life throws and keeps throwing (which I won't even attempt to delve into here; ain't nobody got time for that!) feels like it will absolutely consume you from the inside out.

But it is freeing to realize that we can't do it alone. That we don't have to and we weren't meant to.

I have cried so much this year.

I cry relatively easily. I have a really tender, sensitive heart, but I began to realize that crying on an average of every other day was NOT normal. This was not like me.

Late one night, through chatting with a friend on Skype, I admitted to myself that my depression had come back. Just removing the denial of that fact was enough to lift a weight. I didn't have to try to fake it any longer, but rather could face this beast for what it was, like I have had to before. But depression is a dirty bastard. People who have never experienced what depression is have no idea what it is like. It is not this thing that can simply be shaken off. It is like something that crawls deep into your mind and plants itself there. Rationality goes out the window. For someone who is logical, this is terrifying.

I usually fight off emotion with logic, but that is another topic altogether. I have a systematic way of disecting what I am feeling and why. I am able to compartmentalize my feelings. I have been accused by a dear male friend of mine of being "like a guy" in this way, because often my truest feelings never reach the surface. Those must be excavated.

With depression, logic is useless. I am left defenseless, mainly because I can't answer my first question on that checklist: why do I feel this way?

Long story short, I am winning this battle. I am not defenseless, but I am already victorious. The war isn't over, and more battles will likely crop up throughout the rest of my life, but I have conquered so many of these battles before. Not without God though, and the love and support of people like my father who know what a bastard depression is and how powerful the love of God is.

There are those who believe that God does not want us to suffer and that there is no place for suffering. I don't believe that God wishes us to suffer, but I am confident that God uses it. I can't help but believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this. In hindsight I am thankful for the pain, because it has made me realize my dependence on God, God's love, grace, provision, and my own ability to be a light when all that surrounds is darkness.

P.S. I want to give a shout out to Abby Hertzler, whose book inspired me to finally put these words to the page through her book The Pen and the Pieces of Myself.

On lent: one week in

I'm not Catholic, but I am a Christian; therefore I believe Lent is an important season. I also am in the camp that the practice of giving something up for *forty days can be a valuable practice.

This year, not only am I subtracting something from my life for forty days (salty snack foods), but I am also adding something (the core challenge).

I am finding that the practice of this addition can be just as much of a sacrifice and sanctifying as the subtracting, possibly even more so (Please pause to appreciate the alliteration in this  sentence!). Fasting is an important spiritual discipline, but coupling that with building intentional good habits has been especially rewarding for me spiritually, physically and mentally.

 *It actually adds up to more than forty since I continue even on Sundays when traditionally they are a day to take a break from your fast.