Stream of consciousness

It’s that time between dusk and dark; too dark to be dusk, too light to be dark. I like to run, ride my bike or go on a walk to clear my head. This is a beautiful night for it, except for the bugs, but if you want the good, you must take the good with the not so good also. If I were an inventor, I would create a bug catcher that in some way simulated hair, because as the wind whipped my hair while I peddled on, the bugs were held fast as prisoners in its clutches. I’m timing my breathing as I maneuver through clouds of gnats. I hate gnats. Are they gnats? Close enough. Small, and terrible when inhaled. When I clear my head I often just let thoughts fly, think about whatever comes to mind, from important things, to irrelevant things, to things on my heart and mind, philosophical questions, scientific quandaries, whatever.

In the midst of this mental free-write, I like to pray. Tonight I am so thankful that God does not tire of my conversation, so often one-sided. My thoughts fly so quickly that there is no room for a word from another to come in edgewise. I am so thankful that God doesn’t have better things to do, isn’t too tired to listen, is genuinely interested, deeply loves me, and is attentive to the things that concern me, no matter how infinitesimal they may be. Wow. This blows my mind every time I ponder it.

Smells have the ability to instantly transport me back in time.

As I bike past a wooden fence along the Winona Trail, wet with the evening dew an releasing its earthy redolence, I am instantly an eight-year old girl again at Day Camp with my girl scout troop, shy and insecure. We're on the mulch trail through the woods on a way to our next activity. My best friend Kayla is there at my side.

Recently on a Wednesday evening as I was in the middle of an interval run with my faithful and motivational interval partner Kristin Martin, the heavy scent of the towels being washed and dried in the Rec Fit Center zapped me back to the Philippines. It’s 115 degrees Fahrenheit, Jess and I have hailed a tricycle heading to Island City Mall in Tagbilaran City, Bohol to pick up our laundry. We walk into the tiny nook of a laundromat and instantly get even sweatier. How is that even possible? It is at least twenty, maybe even thirty degrees hotter in here. The air is thick with detergent and fabric softener smell. I taste it with each sticky breath. How do these women sit here each day washing, drying, ironing, and folding clothes in this environment? It’s a living I suppose.

Trikes in Tagbilaran City, Bohol

Laundromat ladies who we visited pretty much weekly

Didn't see that one coming?

I love to catch people off guard and completely take them by surprise.

My mantra for life is: It is not that serious.

A close Spanish equivalent that I throw around often is, ¡no es para tanto!

We take life way too seriously. We take ourselves way too seriously. Pero, ¡no es para tanto! Es la verdad.

That is one of the reasons why I love to do things that are completely unexpected; it keeps things interesting.

I also am of the strong opinion that people cannot be defined in the sense of being put into a specific category. In order that I maintain a clear sense of who I am, I feel the need to shatter people's expectations.* For example, of what to expect from an introvert faking extroversion, a Christian, a nice/good person, a Resident Assistant, a Bible and Religion major, a sister of three brothers, someone who can be boringly studious at times, an only daughter, etc. I also like to surprise people with the extensive variety of music that I listen to, the fact that yes, I do drink but no, I don't go to parties, and yes, I do swear on occasion. Individuals are so multidimensional! Myself included.

That is one reason why I love getting acquainted with many different people. Though I have a small inner circle of close friends, I have many, many acquaintances. I value each and every relationship I have, no matter what the level of it may be. We can learn so much from one another and our various experiences.

A note before we get to some spontaneity, I must mention the fact that I am a person who deeply appreciates order, regularity, etc, etc. Insert any among of the many nouns that a perfectionist/type A personality would value here. However, variety is the spice of life. And I would just like to add that I am a self proclaimed "recovering perfectionist".

Two of the most recent (and memorable) ways I have embraced being spontaneous:

1. Anna and I cartwheel around campus as a form of transportation. It makes people smile. Or confused. Or both.

2. Approaching people to ask them the first thing that happened to pop into my mind while observing them doing something I perceived to be strange (such as when I noticed someone filling a bowl with peanut butter from across the Rott).

*My goal is not to compromise my morals/values in being spontaneous.

The valley

I first heard the prayer titled The Valley of Vision five years ago. It  resonates with me very strongly. Shortly after hearing it, I bought the book where the prayer originates from, and highly recommend it. The title of the book is The Valley of vision: a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions. You can find the book on Amazon, or you can borrow it from me if you would like to peruse its pages free of charge. I am not usually a proponent of written prayers because I feel that they can stifle to very spirit and intention behind prayer; I find prayer to be very personal and flowing from within, but in this particular case I make an exception.

I feel that this prayer sums up one aspect of how I approach my own personal journey with God. I memorized it several years ago, and find myself reciting pieces of it in times of inner turmoil. I find that my attitude and outlook on life have the greatest affect on my experiences in life. I can truly say that the best times in my life have been the worst times; times of suffering in one form or another that I would never voluntarily return to, but am nonetheless grateful to have experienced. Now, without further ado:

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
    where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;    hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. 

Let me learn by paradox 

    that the way down is the way up, 

    that to be low is to be high, 

    that the broken heart is the healed heart, 

    that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, 

    that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, 

    that to have nothing is to possess all, 

    that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, 

    that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
    and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
Let me find Thy light in my darkness, 

                   thy life in my death, 

                   thy joy in my sorrow, 

                   thy grace in my sin, 

                   thy riches in my poverty,
                   thy glory in my valley.

*I also highly recommend the prayer titled "The Deeps". Seriously, come to me and ask to borrow this book sometime.

Easter reflections

I have three loves in life: Jesus, helping others, and my cat. (Okay, so the last one is a bit of a joke, but I seriously have more love in my heart for my cat than may be appropriate to be designated toward an animal.) Back to being serious…

The first love in my life is Jesus. Jesus is the single most important thing to me and he is central to my own identity. Today is Easter, the day when we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the messiah.

I am remembering my Uncle Joe and my Pepa* on this day, who both passed away last year. I am still grieving their absence from my life, but am able to rejoice because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus' death and resurrection, those who believe will also be raised to life after death.

Flower heart from Pepa's funeral last April

I am so thankful today as we remember and celebrate Jesus' sacrificial death and subsequent resurrection. The authors of Romans and Ephesians say it well:

 ⁷ “Blessed are those
   whose transgressions are forgiven,
   whose sins are covered.
⁸ Blessed are those
   whose sin the Lord will never count against them.”
-Romans 4:7,8

 ¹ As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, ² in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. ³ All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast.
-Ephesians 2:1-9

*Pepa is my paternal grandfather. When my eldest cousin Nicole started talking she couldn't say "grandpa", but instead pronounced it "Pepa". It stuck and thus was how he was referred to by his grandchildren.

Mail!

The only thing better than getting mail at college is, well, nothing.

There is in fact nothing better than receiving a letter while away studying at college. And receiving a letter from a friend who is a living a great distance away has a heart-warming affect that is more easily felt than described.

Yay, mail! I received a letter from Marty who is currently at grad school in Belgium.

This single piece of mail made my entire week!

I look forward to having nieces and nephews, children, grandchildren, and having them be able to recognize my handwriting. I recognize the handwriting of my family and friends and can't image life without written communication. I have always loved writing letters since I first learned how to write and is something that I still practice weekly with great delight. Technology can never take that away from me!

Write someone you love a letter this week! If it's me, I'll surely write you back! :)

Life isn't fair

My mother always told my brothers and me growing up, "Life isn't fair." 

This is a true statement. Another true statement is that you can indeed bust your head open! It's not a myth that mothers say to scare you! But that is another matter entirely…

Here is an example of the way that life isn't fair: Life catches you in your moments of weakness and ignoring all fighting etiquette, kicks you repeatedly in the stomach while you're down.

But in the midst of feeling this way, this is the Scripture that comes to my mind right away:

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
  Psalm 20:7

Check out what I found on Google. Appropriate, no?

 This song comes to mind also; I first heard while at Goshen College and have come to love because I identify with it so well:

How Can I Keep From Singing by Enya

And that song reminds me of this verse:

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
  Psalm 61:1-2

God has always been faithful to me, and has a pretty great track record for his faithfulness for that matter. I am confident in his faithfulness when I am able to find confidence in nothing else.

Here and now

Every once and a while (especially as of late) I catch myself looking around and saying inwardly, "What I am doing?"

Now I understand that this is in no way a foreign experience for someone my age. But seriously, what am I doing? I am attending college. My two majors are discipline that I love to learn about and involve what I see myself using for the rest of my life. However, I am not concerned with the future. The area that I seem to have the most difficulty trusting with is the here and now.

Let's get strait to the point: I have no clue how to live in the present. I am really quite terrible at it, I have found. I remember that six short years ago, it seemed that trusting God with my  future used to seem so difficult to me. I have come to realize that trusting all the uncertainty of the future to God is really easy in comparison with trying to live out the daily grind of honoring God and serving others.

God, in the midst of this uncertainty, I do trust you.

I often feel like a hamster in a wheel, stuck in a routine, running but not ever getting anywhere. I don't know what has all of the sudden made me weary of my current routine. I think that it is because it is not here that my ultimate satisfaction lies. I feel as though I am living without a direction, without purpose. I feel lonely. It is really hard to admit these things to myself; I don't know what to do with them. I am full of passion, talents, gifts, and willingness to boot! But as far as what to direct these towards, I am at a loss.

These are some of the things churning within me as of late. They are hard to process in my mind, to write in my journal, let alone blog about. And yet, I trust that honesty before my friends, family, and loved ones will help to carry me through.

I am thankful to you, my loving, patient, merciful God who guides and directs me through times that are filled with self-doubt and caprice.